What has Happened to me?
by bookworm2018
Summary: First story. Right after epilogue of Clockwork Angel. T because I'm very cautious.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: No Characters owned by me.

A/N First story! _Be nice! _**Possible Spoiler Alert!**

"_You were the only one I could come to."_

"Now what was it you needed, Mr. Herondale?" Magnus Bane asked sitting upright. I sighed, "it's about Tessa." Magnus chuckled. He _chuckled_. "The shape shifter? If your asking me if she's a warlock I'm almost 100% sure, don't try to mess with it." My eyes widen and the corners of Magnus mouth slightly raised. I'm about to say a quirky comeback, but I can't bring myself to it. "How'd you know?" As hard as I try _not _to make people think I see her no more than I would see anyone else, Magnus had a way.

"The way you look at her. She looks at you the same you know." Magnus said, examining his dark nails. He stroked a fluffy cat that strode past him. "Listen, I need to know. Is she _really _a warlock?" I asked, a knot in my stomach twisting more and more. "I said it at the party and I'll say it again. Count on it." Magnus said, fury taking over. I controlled myself, though. "She's not marked as you are. She has no wings, her eyes are regular, she's a human from head to toe!" I exclaim, tears stinging my eyes. I stare at the fire, trying not to loose myself. "Is she? You know her _that_ well after so little time? Unless you love her?" Magnus was really pushing it. "I've never loved anyone. The only people I care about is my family at the Institute. Jem, Charlotte, Henry. That's it," I lied, trying not to show any emotion. "You lie."

I finally loose it. "I'm NOT lying! I _can't _care! It's a fact!" I scream, my tears splashing on the soft rug. "I've lost too much." I whisper shielding my face in my hands. Magnus just stares then leans a bit too close to me. "You have no clue how long I've lived and how much I've lost. I'm helping you _even_ though you made me loose Camille. You think you've lost a ton? Try being me." Magnus hissed quietly into my ear. "_I've_ lost everything."

The feeling of vulnerability takes over and sobs escape my throat where they'd been held so long. I think of Tessa and how I've hurt her. I think of how Jem is at the Institute dying slowly. I cannot do anything about it. "I think," said Magnus. "That I've helped you enough, have I not?" I managed to shake my head. I straighten and stand up from my kneeling position on the floor. I walk through the house and to the doorway.

The butler looks aggravated that I'm dirtying the house with my tears. Although, I do not care. "Goodbye." I choke out between sobs and I slam the door shut behind me. Then, quickly run back into the room where Magnus was. "No one speaks of this." I snarl, then I trudge back out into the rainy streets of London.

I walk into our carriage. "How come you took so long?" Sophie asked harshly, inspecting my puffy eyes and red nose. "None of your business. Let's just leave." I reply and head to the back of the carriage thinking only one thing.

_What has happened to me?_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N : No reviews? 100 something hits? Okay…please, please, PLEASE review! DEFINETLY HAS SPOILERS. Sorry I haven't updated this in what seems like forever, but I really am trying to keep my grades up in school. Thanks for reading!**

After the silent long trip, I walk into the Institute. Charlotte, Henry, Jem and everyone will probably want to ask me what I've been up to and I'll lie as always.

Guilt builds up in my stomach as I remember what I said to Tessa earlier. I didn't mean it. Honestly, the fact that she's a warlock makes me confused and hurt and scared. I wonder if Tessa knows I love her…Meeting with Magnus didn't help.

I shield my expression and put on an amused expression as I always do. The expected question comes from a busy Charlotte. "Where were you?" The words are familiar to me. A hollow feeling appears in my stomach. I hesitate to answer, "out." I reply with one small, three-letter world. Charlotte sighed wearily and walked away to Henry and her own room. I walk down the familiar hallways of the Institute to Jem's room.

I find my way to the room. Jem is playing violin, as usual. The notes bounce around the room melodically. I always cruelly joke about how horrid I think it sounds, but I actually love it. Tessa is sitting down, watching Jem move his bow skillfully on the strings of the instrument. Tessa's small smile disappears as I walk into the room and again my stomach drops. She really does hate me. "Can I speak to Jem alone?" I ask and Tessa doesn't speak she just glares at me and leaves.

"What is it?" Jem asks, taking a seat next to me. He looks good today, healthy. Jem always looks pale though and I wonder if he'd be tan if the demon hadn't ruined his life. He'd have black hair too. I wonder what color his eyes were. It actually shocks me how little I know about my parabati. "Magnus was no help at all, he says Tessa can't help what she is and that I should just apologize," I tell him, aggravated. "You should apologize," Jem advises me. Should I really? Do I want to come across so weak to her? So easy and emotional? "Does that sound like me?" I ask finally. Jem pauses, thinking, but replies, "of course not, but you love her, don't you?" I slowly nod, deciding to finally not lie about something. Telling the truth honestly doesn't feel that bad. "Then, yes, apologize, I can't stand to see her so upset." Jem answers and he walks out of our room.

Apologizing. Well, I haven't done that much before have I? I remember mumbling sorry to Jessamine when Charlotte forced me to. But I didn't mean it. Should I script this or improvise? If I improvise I'll probably be blundering on like an idiot and possibly all of the feelings I've been bottling up inside will pour out of me. How I'm jealous of Jem who has as good a chance with Tessa as anyone, scared of people I love to get hurt, the fact that I care for anything at all…I can't.

I have to script this and sound as plain and unemotional as a brick. Should I lie to her and tell her I was just drunk or should I tell her that I was just saying something that came to the top of my head? No, no. I just thought she knew warlocks couldn't have children. Of course, telling her is half of what I was apologizing her. And the other half was for asking to use her as just my puppet. The girl I could have just for my own amusement. Now that I think it over, it's sick that I ever even thought that. I approach her door only sort of knowing what I was going to say.

**You guys like? Cliffhanger! Well, I'll try to update this more IF you guys review because reviews make the world go round! Thanks for reading!**


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